The ball has dropped and the confetti has been gathered and swept away, paving the way for millions of people across the globe to temporarily resolve to improve their lives before they inevitably abandon such efforts in favor of the comforting embrace of routine and inactivity. In Poor Taste commissioned a survey of tens of people to find the most popular resolutions making the rounds in 2017.
Address that rectal prolapse. It’s sometimes hard to stop that rectal wall from sliding out of place and straight out of your anus. But 2017 seems to be the year when people will finally make more concerted efforts to ensure their large intestines return to their normal positions.
Feed the kids. Even fat kids need sustenance, and this year’s most popular resolution among moms and dads is to prioritize feeding their children no less than two meals per day.
Intimidate the witness. Very few people awake from bed aiming to commit a heinous crime. But heinous crimes happen every day, and sometimes there are witnesses around to see them. Good luck to all those go-getters fixing to make 2017 the year they permanently silence the men and women who observed their most unspeakable acts!
Excommunicate a family member. Families are big, unpredictable and largely unwanted. A new year marks the perfect time to clear away that familial clutter by excommunicating a brother, sister, cousin, in-law, or aging parent.
Not get cancer. Who has time for cancer in 2017? Certainly not the devoted movers and shakers who are determined to avoid contracting the potentially deadly disease over the next 12 months!
Flush the toilet. Sadly, many toilets are incapable of flushing themselves. Good to see so many people are determined to make 2017 the year they finally pull that lever and send what’s become of last night’s three helpings of meatloaf off to parts unknown.
Discreetly abandon the family pet. Everybody “loves” Fido, but Fido’s really nothing more than an incredibly dependent, costly albatross. 2017 is going to be a big year, especially for all those people committed to inconspicuously abandoning their family pets.
Extort a higher-up. Career goals often top the list of popular resolutions, and 2017 is no exception. No less than a half dozen people surveyed by In Poor Taste expressed their intention to spend much of 2017 extorting a higher-up for personal, professional and/or financial gain.
Trade Carmelo Anthony. Good luck with this one.
Give up. Hoping against all hope is not what 2017 is all about, and the vast majority of participants in this year’s survey are anxiously looking forward to folding their tents and waving their white flags.
Happy New Year!