Atrocities in Aleppo? The West’s increasingly rapid march to the proverbial gallows? The looming prospect of another world war? Hey there, Bonnie Buzzkill, who has time for such bric-a-brac when there’s gewgaws to get?!?!?! Like you, we here at GriffCo Toys, Inc. know the best way to cope with our increasingly frightening reality is to bury our heads in the sand and buy more things! And just in the nick of time, GriffCo is here with a handful of gift ideas for the holiday shopper who cares just enough to put forth a minimal, eleventh hour effort to temporarily please those loved ones who grow more and more estranged by the minute!
A position in President-elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet (Up to $1 million) — Got a guy or gal on your list who’s a hate-spewing xenophobe of minimal intellect? Maybe Uncle Ted is ill-equipped to understand anything more complex than long division? Or perhaps Cousin Steve is a soulless opportunist who prioritizes profits over all? If you answered “yes,” “probably” or “hell if I know, I haven’t even spoken to Steve since last Christmas” to any or all of the above, then GriffCo has a gift the person you ostensibly love will cherish! For a limited time only, GriffCo is facilitating appointments to the cabinet of widely reviled U.S. President-elect Donald Trump! A horribly unqualified, disinterested President-elect needs an equally incapable cabinet ready and willing to further its own interests at the expense of the American people! Sure, Uncle Ronnie has no business running the U.S. Department of State, but that’s a problem for the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, not you, thoughtful if uncaring holiday shopper! Order now and GriffCo will even arrange for your unfeeling friend or family member to announce a round of mass layoffs at the soon-to-be-castrated United States Environmental Protection Agency!
Charlotte Rae Doll ($11.99) — We here at GriffCo know that the true spirit of the holiday season rests not in a picturesque Nativity scene or a loving family’s heartwarming, Rockwellian living room, but rather in the black, consumerist hearts of spoiled scamps whose desire for the latest must-have gift demands to be satiated at all costs! And this Christmas no pampered preschooler can or should go without the Charlotte Rae doll, an uncomfortably life-like facsimile of former “The Facts of Life” star Charlotte Rae, who much of the world would be surprised if not a little upset to learn is very much still alive! Watch as your lovable tot tousles Charlotte’s blue hair only to have a nearly empty flask of peach schnapps clumsily fall to the ground! And is that actual human skin on the Charlotte Rae doll’s right cheek?!?!?! Probably not, but that won’t stop the giggle train from pulling into the station as your inquisitive and increasingly uncomfortable young ‘un presses the doll’s fleshy, leaky liver spot, thereby unleashing a minutes-long stream of consciousness tirade marked by anti-immigrant vitriol and largely indecipherable musings on everything from abortion rights to Conrad Bain’s anatomy! Order now and your materialistic munchkin’s doll will be personally delivered by Nancy McKeon, regardless of where in the world you happen to live!
“Eastglobe” Season 1 Box Set ($19.99) — Know a tyke who’s turned on by angry, naked, sexy robots but uninterested in spending 10-plus hours trying to decipher the latest intentionally confusing entry in the Nolan Brothers’ catalogue? Then join us here at GriffCo in saying, “Westworld, Schmestworld!” Set not on the plains of the great American west but on a dilapidated, ill-designed studio lot in western Queens, “Eastglobe” has all the violence and human-on-robot sex your precocious little cherub can handle without all that signature Nolan Brothers gobbledygook around to muddy the waters! Because who needs thoughtful plot and character development when you’ve got robots shootin’ guns and knockin’ robot boots?!?!?! Absentee-parent your way to weekend freedom as you plop your electronic-stimuli-dependent little ones down on the couch, where they’ll spend hours on end watching robots played by the likes of George Dzundza, Peter Facinelli and the cast of “Gary, Unmarried” engage in all sorts of unspeakable, nonsensical behavior, from random and unprovoked acts of staggering violence to experimental, oft-deviant marathon sex sessions involving men, women, robots and anything else the non-union “Eastglobe” writing team thought up on a whim!
Tarnished Legacy Trading Cards ($1.99 per pack) — What lil’ whippersnapper doesn’t like to revel in a once-exalted hero’s fall from grace? None that we know! The ultimate stocking stuffer or an ideal gift for the rug rat you don’t love nearly enough to break the bank for, Tarnished Legacy Trading Cards showcase all the newsmakers, stars and celebs who quickly transformed from paragons to pariahs! Watch as your adorable ankle-biter hones his negotiation skills en route to acquiring a highly valuable Bill Cosby Offense-Based Sex Offender card in exchange for a Level 2 Win At All Costs Tom Brady card and the newly minted I Failed the World Hillary Clinton card! Each pack includes one special edition Tarnished Legacy Hall of Fame card highlighting a fallen hero who went above and beyond to destroy his or her reputation! Watch your youngster’s eyes light up as he opens a pack only to discover Tarnished Legacy Hall of Famers such as disgraced Penn State coach Joe Paterno, unapologetic degenerate and one-time New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner and current New York Knicks Team President Phil Jackson!
Merry Christmas from GriffCo, and God bless some of us!