CBS answers country’s increasingly urgent calls for hour-long jury analysis drama

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LOS ANGELES — Mercifully responding to angst-ridden American viewers’ increasingly urgent calls for an hour-long drama based entirely on jury analysis, CBS will premiere the much-hyped “Bull” at 9 pm. EST on Tuesday.

“It sure took its sweet time getting here, but September 20th and the premiere of ‘Bull’ have finally arrived,” gushed self-described hour-long procedural drama fanatic Benjamin Gonzalez, who spent the final days before the long-awaited premiere camping or possibly living in an abandoned Studio City parking lot. “I tried to get eight hours of sleep last night, but I couldn’t squeeze in a single wink knowing that Dr. Jason Bull and his eclectic team of unconventional yet effective analysts were about to begin scrutinizing the shit out of some juries tonight.”

If Gonzalez seems excited, the 51-year-old assistant grocery manager’s wild-eyed enthusiasm pales in comparison to the buzz inside CBS offices, where executives are banking on former “CSI” star Michael Weatherly to deliver ratings gold.

“I don’t know what Mike Weatherly eats for breakfast,” said CBS programming executive Shel Winkelstein, “but I know he eats primetime procedural drama audiences for lunch!”

That fevered anticipation extends beyond both audiences and the CBS executive lunchroom and onto the cast itself. On a recent conference call, former “Hamilton” star and Tony Award nominee Christopher Jackson, who stars alongside Weatherly as fashion-conscious stylist “Chunk Palmer,” could hardly contain his elation at exiting the most critically-acclaimed theater production of the 21st century to join the cast of yet another in a seemingly endless line of indistinguishable, CBS-produced hour-long procedural dramas.

“Working on ‘Bull’ has been the most rewarding experience of my life, easily surpassing my nightly, standing ovation-inducing performances in an 11-time Tony-winning musical,” said Jackson before noting that not a single CBS executive was holding a fully loaded automatic handgun to his temple at that particular moment. “This series has been touched by God and Mike Weatherly, which now that I think about it, is a pretty redundant thing to say.”

If that seems like high praise for Weatherly, it’s simply par for the course among the already substantial number of “Bull” devotees.

“Admittedly, my slacks tightened when I saw that promo where ‘Bull’ condescendingly asks his client, ‘How do you not know?’,” said 43-year-old baker’s apprentice Ron Doogans. “I can tell ‘Bull’ is the type of fella to give you some sizzle with your jury analysis steak, and that’s all I can ask for.”

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