BELLEFONTAINE, Ohio — Citing his overgrown lawn and a nagging spinal condition, vocal Donald Trump supporter Ronnie Diggins has decided to wait till next weekend to begin making America great again, marking the fourth consecutive week the unemployed plumber’s apprentice has postponed plans to return the United States to its status as global standard bearer.
“Just get a look at that lawn,” Diggins said while announcing his intentions to delay restoring America to its industrial glory days of yore. “I’m excited to help America return to worldwide dominance, but you could lose a Peterbilt in my backyard right now. So first things first.”
Diggins’ procrastination has become a familiar refrain around this city of just more than 13,000, as the 48-year-old father of two teenaged sons has been vocal in both his support of Trump and his repeated insistences that he is simply too busy to help the federal republic of nearly 325 million people regain its status as an international powerhouse. Late last week Diggins delayed plans to reinvigorate the nation with the world’s largest nominal GDP after realizing he needed to renew his driver’s license before the end of the month, while a week earlier Diggins completely forgot to help his country reestablish itself among the global elite after discovering the Hallmark Channel was airing a weekend-long “Blue Bloods” marathon.
“I’m excited to see Ronnie become the manifestation of Donald Trump’s empty slogan, but I’m beginning to have my doubts,” said Ruth Fink, Diggins’ neighbor for more than 20 years. “He missed my barbecue last weekend and I just figured he was hard at work repairing our constitutional republic. Turns out he just fell asleep watching the Cavs game.”
In spite of the repeated deferments, Diggins remains steadfast in his commitment to revitalize a nation that ranks eighth on the United Nations’ Human Development Index.
“I’ve already cleared my schedule for next weekend,” insisted Diggins, noting he made a mental note to set his alarm for 11 a.m. this Saturday. “So as long as my sciatica cools down between now and then, I’ll be getting the U.S. of A. back atop the Global Competitive Index where it belongs in no time.”