CHICAGO — Longtime NFL Draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. described his erection as “throbbing” and “painful” just hours before the draft was scheduled to begin inside the Auditorium Theatre.
“This thing is killing me,” Kiper told fellow ESPN draft analyst Todd McShay as the two sat down for an early morning breakfast. “Let’s just say my other ‘big board’ might just explode if I don’t find out who’s selecting (expected first round pick) Laremy Tunsil ASAP.”
A draft analyst for ESPN since 1984, Kiper has submitted roughly 481 mock drafts since mid-March, noting that each submission has intensified the sexual arousal he feels when projecting where hundreds of college-aged male athletes will begin the next phase of their athletic careers.
The 55-year-old Kiper has analyzed every NFL draft since 1978, yet insists he still feels like the same wide-eyed, sexually charged young man he was when attending his first draft in the mid-1980s.
“Sure, the boners are now throbbing and painful, but how many people in the world are lucky enough to be so satisfied by their work that they routinely suffer from agonizing erections,” asked Kiper, who acknowledged angrily masturbating away the frustration he felt earlier this week upon hearing a rumor that UCLA linebacker Miles Jack could fall out of the top 10.
Despite a busy draft day schedule, Kiper expected to spend his final pre-draft hours feverishly submitting as many as 11 additional mock drafts while doing his best to overcome his increasingly debilitating priapism.
“I can’t stop now because my readers need to know what might happen if (expected first round pick) DeForest Buckner falls to the Niners at number seven,” said Kiper. “It’s unfortunate, but I’ll just have to live with this torturous tent-pole for a few more hours.”