Refugees relieved Alabama off the table

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MOVYLOS, GREECE — Syrian refugees on Tuesday expressed their relief that the state of Alabama would no longer welcome them, noting that Alabama is a backwoods desolate wasteland that’s only slightly preferable to their war-torn homeland.

“When my family and I made it out of Syria alive, I prayed to Allah, thanking him for saving us from near-certain death and asking that he pull a few strings and keep us from being relocated to Alabama,” said Adnan Ahmadi, a refugee and father of four. “My prayers have been answered not once, but twice.”

Ahmadi is not alone, as thousands of refugees currently registered with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees were relieved to learn that Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley would refuse to allow the relocation of any refugees to the Yellowhammer State, which boasts the fifth highest adult obesity rate of any state in the country.

“After full consideration of this weekend’s attacks of terror on innocent citizens in Paris, I will oppose any attempt to relocate Syrian refugees to Alabama through the U.S. Refugee Admissions Program,” said Gov. Bentley, whose state has not seen a single Syrian refugee settle within its borders since the Syrian Civil War began in 2011. “As your governor, I will not stand complicit to a policy that places the citizens of Alabama in harm’s way.”

Though Bentley, whose 50-year marriage ended in muted scandal earlier this year amidst rumors of the governor’s infidelities, insists his actions are meant to protect residents of Alabama, the vast majority of Syrian refugees feel the former dermatologist is primarily looking out for displaced Syrians’ best interests. Such is the case with refugee Amira Homsi, who considers Bentley nothing short of a hero and genuine humanitarian for ensuring the next chapter of her life does not begin in a state the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development deemed to have the second-worst quality of life in the United States.

“I would hate to have survived the brutal Assad regime only to be relocated to a state with the tenth-lowest household disposable income rate in the nation,” said Homsi. “That just would not have been worth it.”

And thanks to Bentley’s bold actions, refugees’ fears of being relocated to a state known for Nick Saban, woods and intolerance have now subsided.

“Thankfully, we’re not escaping the frying pan only to be reassigned to the fryer,” said Ahmadi. “Or perhaps more accurately, we’re not escaping a country in bloody turmoil only to be relocated to an impoverished backcountry hellhole governed by an adulterous asshat.”


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