DALLAS — Greyhound Lines, Inc., on Tuesday unveiled new discounted fares exclusive to fugitives, deadbeat dads and the surviving member of the 1980s acting duo “The Two Coreys.”
“Criminals on the run from the law, men abandoning their responsibilities as fathers and whichever one of the Coreys is still alive represent our most loyal customers, and we feel this discount recognizes and rewards that brand loyalty,” Greyhound CEO David Leach announced outside the company’s dilapidated depot in the middle of a crime-riddled Dallas neighborhood. “I can only imagine the sense of relief that cash-strapped deadbeat dads and equally impoverished former child actors named ‘Corey’ will feel upon shuffling up to a ticket window and learning their tickets to depressing, nondescript towns like Harrisburg, Pennsylvania or Tulsa, Oklahoma are now as much as 40 percent off the regular price.”
Leach said the discounts came about after an independent auditor discovered the widely reviled motorcoach company catered almost exclusively to society’s least desirable elements, including violent criminals looking to escape incarceration and self-obsessed, disgraced former child actors named “Corey.” In a careful examination of more than two decades’ worth of Greyhound’s books, the U.K.-based auditing firm Deloitte discovered that roughly 8 in 10 Greyhound passengers are either known fugitives, fathers whose child support payments are several years in arrears and/or actors Corey Haim or Corey Feldman.
“The people at Deloitte opened our eyes to who are customers really are,” said Leach. “And we can no longer deny that our most loyal customers are people like the lone surviving Corey, who rarely has two nickels to rub together much less the $29 he needs for the bus fare from Los Angeles to Barstow. But now with this discount, the extant Corey can afford to lie low in the Inland Empire until his Los Angeles-based creditors temporarily back off.”
The reduced fares have already begun to pay dividends, as passengers who are ineligible for the degenerate-only discounts have noted an even greater percentage of passengers who are either a Corey, men looking to escape criminal prosecution or good-for-nothing rogues looking to shirk the responsibilities that come with fathering children.
“Greyhounding it has always been the most depressing way to travel, but it’s even worse now after those price cuts,” said passenger Ray Brooks, who now considers the 300-mile ride from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh the most miserable nine hours of his life. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I just spent half a day sitting between El Chapo and one of the guys from ‘License to Drive.’”