Makeshift ‘Emmy’ found in Scott Caan’s hotel room

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LOS ANGELES — Local maid Carmen Rodriguez discovered a makeshift Emmy Award in the hotel room of actor Scott Caan on Monday, hours after the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards recognized the “Hawaii Five-O” star’s more talented peers for their exemplary performances on the small screen.

“It’s not a real Emmy, which probably goes without saying since it was Scott Caan staying in the room and not his father, James Caan,” said Robert Dinkins, manager of the swank Beverly Hills Hotel where the apparently homemade Emmy was found in a trash receptacle inside the suite the actor occupied over the weekend. “We’ve certainly discovered real Emmys lying around in the past, since pretty much everyone in this town with the exception of Scott Caan has an Emmy or two to their credit. But this is the first fake Emmy I can recall.”

The fraudulent papier mâché prize, which was inscribed with the nearly illegible words “Best Dad Emmy” in purple magic marker, was reportedly awarded to Caan by his longtime girlfriend and young daughter in a heartfelt gesture to comfort the 39-year-old actor, who has never been nominated for, much less won, an actual Emmy Award. Hotel staffers scoffed at the notion that the “Entourage” actor was the world’s foremost father, noting that a truly preeminent patriarch would know better than to sign on as star of a hackneyed remake that greatly pales in comparison to the original.

“Great fathers don’t subject their children to the ridicule Scott Caan’s daughter must face daily as a result of her dad’s affiliation with this bastardized version of ‘Hawaii Five-O’,” said bellhop Blake Vittles. “If he’s such a great dad, why would he do that to his own child? That poor kid probably has to watch that show every week, too. And that’s just not right.”

While Vittles conceded that Caan’s daughter likely put considerable effort into creating the counterfeit and unsightly ‘Emmy,’ which featured a poorly drawn heart surrounding the inscription, those efforts apparently went for naught, as Dinkins noted the homemade prize seemed to have been deliberately left behind.

“We briefly considered contacting Mr. Caan to tell him we found the item, but I’m told the ‘Emmy’ appeared to have been violently thrown into the trash, perhaps even more than once,” said Dinkins, whose hotel hosted Caan and many far more accomplished and respected actors while they were in town for Sunday’s awards presentations. “So we just threw it out with the rest of the garbage.”

Rodriguez supports Dinkins’ decision to discard the cringeworthy and counterfeit creation, insisting that no one in their right mind would deem Scott Caan’s “Hawaii Five-O” performances worthy of commendation, whether that commendation was legitimate or merely a thoughtful yet sad attempt to lift the spirits of a wildly untalented family member.

“If you give Scott Caan an Emmy Award, you might as well give every Tom, Dick and Paul Reiser one, too,” said Rodriguez.

In addition to supporting his decision to discard the jerry-built statuette, Dinkins’ staff, much of which acknowledged their unfamiliarity with Scott Caan’s work, expressed little interest in seeing the much-maligned faux Emmy.

“Only a child of extremely limited creative means could have created this statuette and tried to pass it off as something to be proud of,” said Dinkins. “Apples really don’t fall far from the tree, I guess.”

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