No one at all excited for ESPY Awards

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LOS ANGELES — For the 23rd consecutive year, no one at all has expressed excitement for the ESPY Awards, a midsummer awards show that reportedly recognizes extraordinary achievements in the world of professional and possibly even amateur sports.

Produced by the American cable network ESPN, the ESPY Awards have apparently been around since 1993, a fact the utterly indifferent American public might be surprised to learn if it ever paid any mind to anything associated with the unpopular and wholly unnecessary awards show.

Despite heavy promotion across the ESPN family of networks, the uncalled for awards show is once again garnering little buzz among sports fans unconcerned about who the network deems worthy of its random, meaningless awards, such as the annual “Best Upset” ESPY.

“Look, I could give a bent dick about who is going to win this year’s ‘GMC Professional Grade Play’ ESPY,” said Bay Area sports fan Jim Davis, who plans to spend the night of the ESPY Awards engaged in some spirited self-cutting, a type of deliberate self-harm that the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders indicates is symptomatic of a borderline personality disorder. “Why does this awards show even exist?”

Despite the ESPY Awards’ failure to resonate with sports fans like Davis, the joyless, easily dispensable display will once again cling to its evidently familiar formula, which includes installing a recognizable yet inoffensive celebrity to host the show no human with an intellectual capacity greater than that of the average grapefruit has ever looked forward to. This year’s hosting duties will be handled by comedian and actor Joel McHale, who was rumored to beat out actor David Morse for the opportunity to host the 2015 incarnation of America’s least necessary awards show.

“We feel that few actors are better suited to introduce the presenters for this year’s ‘Best Bowler’ ESPY than Joel McHale,” said ESPN President John Skipper. “Because when you’re giving out statuettes that are far less prestigious than the genuinely esteemed awards these athletes already receive from the media and executives that cover and govern their sports, you don’t lowball the audience with someone like a David Morse. We learned that lesson the hard way when Rob Riggle hosted.”

This year’s ESPY Awards will air in vain at a predetermined time on a network no one will end up watching the night the wholly expendable exhibition is broadcast.

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