Tips for a memorable Fourth of July barbecue

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The Fourth of July is a day of celebration for Americans, and no Independence Day celebration is truly complete without a backyard barbecue. In Poor Taste hosting and entertainment expert Susan Matthews is here to share her advice on how to make this year’s Fourth of July barbecue as fun as possible.

• Sedate the kids. Sure, the littl’uns might marvel at community fireworks displays and make games in the pool that much more fun, but infants, toddlers, school children, and even teenagers can really get in the way of your Independence Day drinking, and you really want to get blotto and barbecue, not babysit. Lace the kids’ morning Lucky Charms with a dose or two of Lorazepam and the little angels will be fast asleep by early- to mid-afternoon. That should pave the way for you to celebrate your independence by overindulging in alcohol to the point where you’ll be disappointed if the night doesn’t end with criminal charges and/or a trip to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped. Then just wake the kids up on the 5th.

• Liven things up with a little nose candy. Burgers, hot dogs and sparklers are staples of summer barbecues, but those things still leave room for a little Fourth of July freebasing. Invite that young guy from sales to this year’s barbecue, tapping the side of your nose and giving him a wink or two when you do so he knows to bring along his Colombian buddy “Yayo.” As your guests arrive, let them know you plan to “play a little eight ball,” encouraging anyone who’s interested to take over the grill so you can sweatily keep riding those rails as you celebrate your undying patriotism.

• Take everyone’s cell phones at the door. Smartphones have made life easier in many ways, but such devices can really kill the vibe when all you want to do is guzzle an endless supply of booze and vacuum up enough blow to kill a half dozen elephants en route to destroying your nasal cavity. And the Fourth of July is about patriotism and partying, not paranoia. Take your guests’ smartphones at the door so no Buzz Harshingtons feel compelled to document your boorish behavior by snapping photos like some unappreciative, teetotaling turd burglar.

• Don’t forget to book the hookers. The United States might not be as accepting of sex workers as your run-of-the-mill republic in Southeast Asia, but a handful of anything-goes hookers are still just a phone call away no matter how hard your oppressive local government may be working to block these industrious men and women from their God-given right to earn a living. This year, you can really up the ante at your Fourth of July barbecue by providing a dozen or so prostitutes to go with all those burgers, franks and, of course, lines of coke.

• Keep your bathtub filled with ice. Nothing kills a backyard barbecue quicker than a dead guest who tooted one too many lines of booger sugar, so make sure you have at least one bathtub filled with ice just in case anyone tries to follow their inner drug-addled leprechaun to the other side of the rainbow. Should anyone appear to be overdosing, simply place them in the tub and return to the party, remembering to threaten the lives of any guests who indicate their intent to inform the authorities once you unlock the fences to your backyard and allow them to leave.

Susan Matthews is an entertainment and DIY expert who specializes in hosting and making bodies vanish. Her latest memoir, “Off Your Junk and Up My Nose,” is available on Amazon.com.

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