DANNEMORA, NY — Escaped inmates and convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat voluntarily returned to the Clinton Correctional Facility on Monday, citing their mutual disdain for Canada as the reason they decided to return to captivity just nine days after their daring escape.
“Prison’s not exactly the most entertaining place to spend a lifetime, but it’s better than Canada,” said Sweat, who admitted he grossly underestimated just how bland life in Canada would be. “The nine days I just spent in Canada were literally the longest, most boring days of my life.”
The pair’s return to the maximum-security facility, which is roughly 20 miles from the U.S.-Canadian border, surprised law enforcement officials, many of whom had begun to worry they would never again see the two killers behind bars.
“Frankly, I’m stunned they returned,” said Clinton County District Attorney Andrew Wylie. “I know Canada is a terrible, terrible place, but Mr. Sweat is doing life without the possibility of parole while Mr. Matt is now certain to spend the rest of his life in prison. When you consider that, you can only conclude that life in Canada, with its Molson beer, French-speaking provinces and Barenaked Ladies compact discs, is even more depressing than we’ve imagined it was all along.”
While Matt’s and Sweat’s decision to return to incarceration shocked the hundreds of law enforcement officials who have spent much of the last nine days scouring nearby towns in search of the two violent criminals, residents of this sleepy village of roughly 5,000 people are considerably less surprised.
“I’m surprised they made it nine days,” said local restaurateur Jim Davies. “I’ve been to Canada once in my 53 years, and I could barely make it nine minutes let alone nine days. Everywhere you go it’s ‘Wayne Gretzky this’ or ‘constitutional monarchy that.’ Those people get on your last nerve pretty quick.”
If residents like Davies are surprised the two violent criminals made it more than a week in Canada, government officials are simply relieved the men did not take a liking to America’s happy-go-lucky neighbor to the north.
“The people of Dannemora can once again rest easy now that these two blood-thirsty butchers have realized that a monotonous life in a 6-foot-by-8-foot cell is still preferable to a life in a bilingual, often frozen expanse of infertile land best known for its hockey and universal healthcare,” New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo said on Monday. “I applaud these two vicious convicts for coming to this conclusion, I just wish they hadn’t been so slow to realize how awful Canada truly is. But at least I didn’t have to go up there looking for them. Talk about ruining your summer.”
Matt and Sweat have yet to be charged with any crimes in connection with their escape, the first such escape in the prison’s 170-year history. And while public pressure to penalize the roving jailbirds has already begun to mount, Wylie has yet to express any intention to file charges in association with the brazen escape.
“What they did is technically a crime, and it certainly wasted a substantial amount of government resources while costing taxpayers untold thousands of dollars,” Wylie said. “But I can’t think of any punishment the United States judicial system could mete out that would be worse than nine days in Canada. Haven’t these men suffered enough?”