LOS ANGELES — The nation’s bros acknowledged growing increasingly restless as today’s release of the highly anticipated “Entourage” film drew closer, according to a recent survey from the National Bro Institute for Bro-Based Studies.
“My collar’s been popped for weeks now, bro,” said survey participant Hunter S., a longtime devotee of the popular HBO sitcom that followed the adventures of film star Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his close-knit group of friends in Los Angeles. “The last four years have been the slowest four years of my life, bro.”
The survey asked nearly 1,500 bros, many of whom played high school and/or college lacrosse, to measure their excitement at the long-awaited film, which overcame numerous production delays and some highly publicized salary disputes before finally beginning filming in 2014, nearly three years after the showed aired its final episode.
“The survey clearly indicates just how special a time this is to be a bro,” said lead researcher Reade Chapman. “Many bros admitted that their excitement for the film has made it hard to focus on seemingly routine bro endeavors, like washing their vomit-stained rugby-style pullovers in a dirty kitchen sink or directing misogynistic comments at women who refuse to sleep with them. One bro even admitted he keeps forgetting to turn his ball cap backwards, which is perhaps the greatest indication that this is a genuine ‘broment,’ if you will.”
Indeed, many businesses that cater to bros, such as beer distributors and polo shirt manufacturers, reported a sharp decline in sales in recent weeks, a trend psychologists suggest is indicative of the true nature of the 21st century bro.
“Today’s bros do not excel at multi-tasking,” said noted psychologist H. Tullamore Pennington, whose 1991 book, “God Only Bros,” is considered a seminal work in the study of bros. “Whereas the bros of yesteryear could simultaneously bong a beer, drop their trousers and offend any number of women and minorities, today’s bros are considerably more single-minded. So it’s no great surprise that our nation’s bros struggled so mightily to ‘brocus’ on anything other than Vince, E, Johnny Drama, and Turtle in the weeks leading up to the film’s release.”
In an effort to corral their nervous energy, many bros took to creating their own outcomes for the four longtime friends from Queens, NY.
“In my dream scenario, Johnny Drama experiences a degree of success that pales in comparison to his brother’s, while E continues to date a string of women well out of his league and Turtle tries in vain to establish himself as a self-sufficient adult instead of just a pudgy 30something with no marketable skills and a closet full of sports jerseys,” said bro Trevor M., who admitted to spiking his morning protein shakes with shots of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky in an effort to calm his nerves. “And I hope Ari allows his temper to get the better of him, briefly putting both his marriage and a significant business deal in jeopardy before things ultimately work out in his and Vince’s favor.”