CHICAGO — One of the most anticipated events in American sports begins Thursday night, when the National Football League hosts the first round of its annual amateur draft. Who will your favorite team pick? Check below in the 38th and hopefully final In Poor Taste 2015 NFL Mock Draft!
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Winston Jameson, QB, Florida State
The well-mannered, monocle-wearing alter ego of controversial Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, Jameson boasts all the tools teams look for in a franchise quarterback while harboring a passion for Victorian literature, in particular the works of Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë.
2. Tennessee Titans — Ricky Six Strangs, WR, Roadmaster Drivers School of Tulsa
While his football skills are raw, this half-Cherokee son of an Oklahoma ranch hand sure can stroke that steel guitar, which should endear him to Titans fans who love their beer cold, their boots dirty and their Friday nights rrrrrowdy.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars — Jorts Crockerton, WR, Central Florida
Looking to augment an impressive receiving corps that already includes Marqise Lee, Ace Sanders and the possibly returning Justin Blackmon, Jags offensive coordinator Greg Olson is rumored to be pushing hard for Crockerton, an undersized yet gritty slot receiver and deadbeat dad whose wardrobe consists entirely of jean shorts, sleeveless flannel button downs and tobacco-stained mesh caps.
4. Oakland Raiders — ????, WR, Some school in the SEC
The top 10 once again includes the Raiders, a model of consistent futility in a league increasingly overcome with parity. Ever the unpredictable wild card, the Raiders figure to draft a lanky, speedy wideout with roots in the southeastern United States who few teams would consider taking in the second round, much less with the fourth overall pick.
5. Washington Redskins — Jake “Torn Ligaments” Larue, QB, West Texas Bible College
Not content to have one rundown first-round signal caller under center, newly-anointed Washington Redskins general manager Scot McCloughan has reportedly told fellow executives he’s ready to go all-in on West Texas high school legend Larue, the now-34-year-old NAIA record holder for most medical redshirts received (13) in a single collegiate career.
6. New York Jets — New Identity and History
Jets owner Woody Johnson has reportedly petitioned league commissioner Roger Goodell to allow the moribund franchise to utilize the sixth pick in this year’s draft to select a new identity and more storied history that does not include the likes of Bruce Coslet, Rich Kotite, Browning Nagle, or Geno Smith. Goodell’s decision is expected sometime before the draft’s opening round commences Thursday night.Embed from Getty Images
7. Chicago Bears — Jim McMahon, QB, BYU
In a nod to the only joyful period in their history, the Bears plan to redraft former first round pick McMahon, who led the team to a Super Bowl-winning season in 1985. Newly anointed Bears general manager Ryan Pace insists that, in spite of McMahon’s age (55), the beloved icon cannot possibly perform any worse under pressure than current Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
8. Atlanta Falcons — Leto McGee, FS, BCTC
New head coach Dan Quinn, who spent the previous two seasons guiding Seattle’s “Legion of Boom” defense, arrives in Atlanta looking to change the culture of a team many have long viewed as soft, timid and downright feminine. That image figures to change with the addition of McGee, a hard-hitting three-strike lifer currently housed inside the administrative segregation ward at Burruss Correctional Training Center in Monroe County.Embed from Getty Images
9. New York Giants — Brock Bigton, LT, Nebraska
Looking to patch some holes on a much-maligned offensive line, Giants coach Tom Coughlin loves the 6-foot-9, 385-lb. Bigton, whose presence on Eli Manning’s blindside should afford the 12th year quarterback plenty of time to throw the kind of mind-boggling interceptions that are as much a part of his legacy as his two ill-deserved Super Bowl victories.
10. St. Louis Rams — Francois Flavorsaveur, P, Université Paris Dauphine
In his 20 seasons patrolling NFL sidelines, the Rams’ Jeff Fisher has developed a reputation as a punt-first coach who’s partial to men with impeccably groomed facial hair. So it’s a no-brainer Fisher will use the 10th pick on mustachioed leg man Flavorsaveur, whose vintage collection of Château Lafite Rothschild wines should make him an instant hit in the Rams’ notoriously oenophilic locker room.
11. Minnesota Vikings — Rolando Hightower, RB, Alabama
Nick Saban’s functionally illiterate workhorse tailback for the last two seasons in Tuscaloosa, Hightower was quick to remind executives at the NFL combine that athletes don’t need to know how to read books to read defenses. The Vikings don’t seem to care if Hightower can or can’t read at a first grade level, instead citing the unlikelihood that Hightower will employ antiquated, barbaric disciplinary measures when dealing with his disobedient children as reason enough to pencil him in as their starting running back in 2015.
12. Cleveland Browns — Red Fitzsimmons, QB, United States Marine Corps.
Despite already having quarterbacks Thad Lewis, Johnny Manziel, Josh McCown, Connor Shaw, and Tyler Thigpen on their roster, the Browns are said to be enamored with the tough-as-nails, crew-cutted Fitzsimmons, a throwback player for a throwback town. Cleveland fans don’t like flash, which they surely won’t get with the pro-Eisenhower, anti-forward pass Fitzsimmons.
13. New Orleans Saints — Reade Huntsworth, TE, Virginia
Having jettisoned all-world tight end Jimmy Graham to Seattle in a cost-cutting measure, the Saints are in need of a pass-catching tight end to keep their high-powered offense running on all cylinders. But Huntsworth here would be a risk, as his drop rate concerns NFL executives, many of whom are also convinced the 6-foot-4 heir to the Huntsworth mint jelly fortune is the second coming of real estate scion and suspected triple murderer Robert Durst.Embed from Getty Images
14. Miami Dolphins — Regis Philbin, Excitable Scamp, Notre Dame
After three pedestrian seasons at the helm, Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin is determined to change the culture around his team in 2015, insisting that drafting 83-year-old entertainer Regis Philbin would elicit a few family-friendly laughs and promote the kind of laid back, pressure-free atmosphere the fourth-year field general is aiming for.
15. San Francisco 49ers — Monté Culpepper, DT, McNeese State
Niners first-year head coach Jim Tomsula loves a good challenge, and he figures to have one in the 5-foot-6, 148 lb. Culpepper, who will be asked to plug the middle on a defensive line that retired en masse upon learning that team owner Jed York’s promotion of Tomsula to head coach was not a joke after all.
16. Houston Texans — Rex Whole’nuther, TE, Texas
In need of an outsized personality on offense to complement reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year and megastar JJ Watt, Bill O’Brien’s squad is poised to take Longhorns tight end Whole’nuther, who ran an impressive 4.6 40 at the combine while wearing a 10-gallon hat and toting a six-pack of Shiner Bock, which the Dallas native chugged while performing the 3-cone drill moments later.
17. San Diego Chargers — Rocky Ulu’ave, DT, USC
American Samoa native Ulu’ave did not begin playing football until the age of 3, when his mother finally finished expelling her 6-foot-5, 370 lb. newborn from her ravaged uterus.Embed from Getty Images
18. Kansas City Chiefs — Edwin Perkins IV, G, Hastings College
Chiefs coach Andy Reid’s uncanny resemblance to Kool-Aid Man lays the foundation for the first round’s biggest surprise when Reid drafts Kool-Aid creator Edwin Perkins’ great-grandson, a relative unknown who the veteran coach has never seen play but is certain can lead him to the mythological “hidden Kool-Aid vault” Reid refuses to accept as mere legend.
19. Cleveland Browns (from Buffalo Bills) — Red Fitzsimmons, Jr. , QB, United States Marine Corp.
The Browns add a seventh quarterback and the son of the 12th overall pick in the person of Red Fitzsimmons, Jr., who in the eyes of his father is nothing more than a free love-espousing longhair who wouldn’t have survived five minutes against the Chinese in Korea.
20. Philadelphia Eagles — Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon; Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA; Bryce Petty, QB, Baylor; Garrett Grayson, QB, Colorado State; Sean Mannion, QB, Oregon State; Brandon Bridge, QB, South Alabama; Connor Halliday, QB, Washington State; 17 others, QB, various colleges, universities and trade schools
In an ongoing effort to throw an abundance of quarterback shit at the wall to see if any of it sticks, Eagles coach Chip Kelly intends to use the 20th pick of the first round to select every remaining signal caller in the draft.
21. Cincinnati Bengals — Marquez James, CB, Carnegie Mellon
Marvin Lewis doubles down and selects a cornerback in the first round for the second consecutive year. Because playoff games don’t lose themselves.Embed from Getty Images
22. Pittsburgh Steelers — William “Chubby” Crawford, FB, Dartmouth
A lead blocker for 2014 breakout star Le’Veon Bell tops the Steelers’ wish list, and “Chubby” Crawford, whose nickname stems from the chronic priapism that has plagued him since his senior year at New Jersey’s Don Bosco Preparatory High School, is the best and most unfortunate blocker in a draft that is low on both fullbacks and men suffering from incredibly painful and persistent erections.
23. Detroit Lions — Franklin J. Inopportunity, K, Central Michigan
Recognizing the dangers of false hope, Lions owner Martha Firestone Ford intends to draft the unsteady Inopportunity, whose surname serves to remind Lions fans of the Motor City’s bleak present and even more dismal future.
24. Arizona Cardinals — Carlos Martínez-García-Rodríguez, SS, Juárez City College
Acknowledging the marketability of a Latino star in a state as progressive and welcoming as Arizona, Cardinals general manager Steve Keim is poised to select Martínez-García-Rodríguez, unaware that the lanky 23-year-old has only ever played fútbol.
25. Carolina Panthers — Lionel Cross, LB, Clemson
Looking to fill the void of violent, sociopathic behavior created upon the departure of Greg Hardy to the Dallas Cowboys, Ron Rivera’s defense-first Panthers are prepared to pull the trigger on Cross, a weekend warrior on the gridiron who spends his offseasons committing various atrocities in war-torn countries across the globe.
26. Baltimore Ravens — Cyrus Nightengale, LB, Florida State
Owner Steve Bisciotti entered the offseason intent on returning the Ravens to their glory days, when linebacker and once-suspected-murderer-cum-witness-for-the-prosecution Ray Lewis led the team to a pair of Super Bowl wins. Drafting thrice convicted murderer Nightengale would be a step in that direction, especially if Bisciotti can convince the Florida Parole Commission to grant the versatile outside linebacker out-of-state work release and travel privileges.Embed from Getty Images
27. Dallas Cowboys — Seamus McGillicutty, TE, Trinity College Dublin
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has never been one to shy away from players with off-the-field issues, and the talented yet perpetually plastered McGillicutty could be the billionaire oilman’s latest reclamation project. But the 6-foot-6 McGillicutty has done little to help his cause, telling NFL executives he was “well into me cups” at the NFL combine before excusing himself to continue his weeks-long pursuit of an especially wily leprechaun he’s certain has a pot o’ gold big enough to keep him in Guinness and rashers until sweet Jaysus calls him back to the heavens above.
28. Denver Broncos — Ryan Fredericks, G, Stanford
Broncos executive vice president John Elway loves Fredericks’ versatility, as the fifth-year guard out of Stanford has not only played all five positions on the line but also exhibited skill in the field of orthodontics, a talent that might compel the Broncos’ Hall of Fame gunslinger turned executive to finally address his distractingly crooked teeth.
29. Indianapolis Colts — Concussions O’Bannion, DT, Notre Dame
Widely considered the best defensive tackle in a draft that’s strong at the position, O’Bannion still figures to fall to the Colts at 29 because of his extensive track record of debilitating head injuries, the next of which is liable to kill the run-stuffing giant with the heart of a teddy bear but a brain that boasts the consistency of a runny bowl of cheddar-infused grits. But that history and bleak future likely won’t be enough to dissuade the Colts, who many NFL insiders believe are just one near-brain-dead defensive playmaker away from making a serious Super Bowl run, from selecting O’Bannion.
30. Green Bay Packers — Slim Jenkins, CB, Southeast Missouri State
The Packers must address their secondary after failing to re-sign defensive backs Tramon Williams and Davon House in the offseason. Picking 30th, Packers general manager Ted Thompson would love to land the 6-foot-1, 121 lb. Jenkins, who earned his nickname upon being diagnosed as anorexic during his freshman season at SMSU.
31. New Orleans Saints (from Seattle) — Rashede Bozeman, DE, Arizona
The Saints join the Browns as the only teams with more than one first-round pick. In need of a pass rusher, don’t be surprised here if the Saints take a flier on Bozeman, especially if emergency room doctors are able to beat all odds and save the athletic end’s life after all.
32. New England Patriots — Lance Armstrong, Disgraced cancer survivor, Plano East Senior High School
Machiavellian head coach Bill Belichick knows it never hurts to have one more unethical miscreant on your side, so he closes the first round by taking one of the few people in professional sports more disreputable than he is.