Opening Day is right around the corner, which means it’s time for the 2015 In Poor Taste Major League Baseball Preview. Last year, the crack staff at In Poor Taste managed to go for 0-for-10 on postseason predictions, a staggeringly poor performance staff members later admitted was done in tribute to then-newly retired outfielder Jason Bay’s infamously unproductive tenure with the New York Mets. So what does the future hold for your favorite team this year? Check back throughout this week as we break down a new division each day, starting with today’s predictions for the National League East.
National League East (in predicted order of finish)
The National League East figures to be top-heavy in 2015, as the Nationals strengthened an already strong rotation, the Mets welcome the return of ace Matt Harvey and the Marlins built a potentially exciting team owner Jeffrey Loria will quickly and surely disband in another shameless attempt to avoid spending money.
• Washington Nationals — Love him or hate him, Nats outfielder Bryce Harper is a two-time All-Star with a lifetime batting average of .272. Did you draw 39 bases on balls last season, Hater McKlusky? Neither did Bryce. He somehow finished with only 38.
• New York Mets — The Mets were the envy of hot stove season thanks to their addition of Ruthian-slugger-cum-strapping-Adonis Michael Cuddyer, whose thunderous woodwork and uncontrollable virility has helped Amazins fans overlook the fact that team officials were apparently not kidding when they insisted they were ready and willing to field an Opening Day lineup that includes Wilmer Flores at shortstop.
• Miami Marlins — The Marlins made waves this winter upon signing ludicrously muscular and potentially half-blind outfielder Giancarlo Stanton to a 13-year, $325 million contract, nearly all of which will be financed by bamboozled Miami-Dade County taxpayers whose indifference to baseball is only exceeded by their unwillingness to pay even the slightest bit of attention to potentially crippling development deals made on their behalf by any of the dozens of crooked City of Miami elected officials.
• Philadelphia Phillies — Ace and trade candidate Cole Hamels made headlines in February when he publicly acknowledged the current roster for the Fightin’ Phils has no chance to win, an admission first baseman Ryan Howard echoed moments before consuming an entire stuffed crust pizza, a pair of Pat’s cheesesteaks and the entire morning kindergarten class at Potter-Thomas Elementary School.
• Atlanta Braves — Braves players’ inevitably futile and half-hearted attempts to overcome the frustrating decision-making of manager Fredi Gonzalez figure to mirror the city of Atlanta’s unenthusiastic approach to integration. But at least Dan Uggla is gone for good.