WASHINGTON, D.C. — President of the United States of America Barack Obama has been noticeably absent from the federal republic’s capital city in recent days as rumors swirl that the former community organizer and Harvard Law School graduate is struggling to come to grips with a post-“Two and a Half Men” world.
“Obama is definitely in a dark place right now,” admitted one Beltway insider who asked to remain anonymous. “That weekly 22 minutes’ worth of wry one-liners, goofy antics and sexually suggestive knee-slappers really helped Barack put the threat posed by ISIS and the growing divide between the nation’s haves and have nots into perspective. But now that he’s lost that incredibly witty and not at all hackneyed near-half-hour of hebdomadal escapism, he’s finally realizing the considerable burden of leading a nation of nearly 320 million people.”
The popular sitcom initially starred Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer as brothers Charlie and Alan Harper, who are forced to share Charlie’s beachfront Malibu home after Alan endures an especially difficult divorce. Complicating matters are Alan’s growing son, Jake, who moves in along with his father, as well as Charlie’s self-indulgent and decadent lifestyle.
Sheen was famously fired from the show in 2011 after a public meltdown that included several drug-induced episodes and a series of disparaging comments from Sheen directed toward Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator and executive producer. But the replacement of Sheen with former “That ‘70s Show” star Ashton Kutcher produced less than a blip on the White House radar, as current and former staff members note that the 44th President of the United States often referred to “Two and a Half Men” as “appointment viewing” and “the most important half-hour of my week.”
“For Barack, seeing ‘Two and a Half Men’ go off the air is an emotional roller coaster that’s probably not unlike the emotions that arise when a civilian loses a relative who had been in failing health for years,” said former Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner. “He certainly knew the end was near, but that doesn’t make his sense of loss any less grievous.”
For Geithner, who served as the president’s principal economic advisor from 2009 to 2013, the idea of a White House without “Two and a Half Men” is hard to imagine.
“Even during the height of our nation’s economic troubles I knew the Commander-in-Chief was off limits for those 30 minutes every Monday night beginning at 9 pm,” recalls Geithner. “I remember telling countless banking executives that Obama was willing to work with them to save their banks so long as such rescues were orchestrated in a way that didn’t interfere with the Head of State’s ability to see the latest episode of ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Because hell hath no fury like the leader of the free world on a night when he was denied his opportunity to see Sheen and Cryer trade unseemly barbs.”
U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder echoes Geithner’s sentiments while adding that the United States Obama is tasked with leading for the remaining two years of his presidency is vastly different from the nation he swore to serve during his first inauguration in January of 2009.
“We, and by ‘we’ I mean the President’s advisors and the hundreds of millions of people he’s sworn to lead, must recognize that Obama didn’t sign up to lead a country where Jon Cryer wasn’t on television for 22 minutes a week,” said Holder, who admits his efforts to convince the 53-year-old leader of the federal government’s executive branch to embrace the Allison Janney comedy “Mom” were quickly and violently rebuffed. “So right now we need to just give him some time and let him find his way, which hopefully happens sooner rather than later. Because while I wouldn’t exactly characterize our current situation as ‘the blind leading the blind,’ I can’t argue with anyone who would call it ‘the devastated leading the almost universally indifferent’.”
Others within Obama’s tight-knit inner circle even intimate that “Two and a Half Men” nearly convinced the President to abandon his pursuit of the Oval Office back in 2007, when he was still a largely inexperienced and little known senator from Illinois and Cryer and Sheen were first beginning to hit their stride as a modern day Felix and Oscar.
“Barack has often said if he had to do it all over again, he might forgo a life of public service in favor of a hedonistic existence as a womanizing, booze-swilling Southern California-based jingle writer,” says former Senior Advisor to the President David Axelrod. “So I guess we should all just thank God he even made it this far. I guess …”