Oscar® winners grateful to theme music for cutting off heartfelt acceptance speeches

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LOS ANGELES — Oscar® winners Patrick Osborne and Kristina Reed on Monday expressed their gratitude to the play-off music that increased in volume as the appreciative award winners exceeded the 45-second time limit allotted for acceptance speeches.

“I am truly grateful that the few words I wanted to share on the most fulfilling night of my professional life were quickly drowned out by orchestral music that only grew louder with each second Kristina and I went over our allotted time of 45 seconds,” said Osborne, who took home the Academy Award for Best Animated Short for his film “Feast.” “I felt terrible that my brief expressions of gratitude to the many people who have supported my career over the years ran a tad long, thereby cutting into the time the guy who played ‘Doogie Howser’ had to make an inconsequential quip before the broadcast segued to a Toyota advertisement.”

Reed, who produced the six-minute short that tells the story of one man’s love life as seen through the eyes of his dog, echoed Osborne’s sentiments, noting that memories of her Oscar® moment would forever be tarnished by she and Osborne’s inability to express their collective thankfulness in three-quarters of a minute or less.

“That gradually amplifying music was a godsend,” noted Reed, whose win on Sunday marked the first Academy Award of her nearly 15-year career in Hollywood. “If that orchestra hadn’t started playing the moment our 45 seconds were up, I might have selfishly rambled on for another three to five seconds, thanking every last supportive friend or family member who encouraged me to keep chasing my dream no matter the considerable obstacles that laid in my path.”

Osborne and Reed’s mutual gratitude did not go unnoticed by Oscar® producer Craig Zadan, who admits that part of the joy of producing Tinseltown’s biggest night is the opportunity to abruptly interrupt appreciative and long-winded award winners who have spent much of their adult lives striving to produce something worthy of the prestigious gold statuette.

“No matter how many times I produce the Academy Awards, I will always get butterflies in my stomach whenever a newly minted Oscar® winner is so overcome with emotion that he or she loses track of time during an acceptance speech, prompting me to coldly spoil this milestone moment with increasingly thunderous orchestral music,” said Zadan, who along with Neil Meron has produced the previous three Oscar® telecasts. “I’m getting choked up right now just thinking about it.”

But as much as such ear-splitting interjections mean to Zadan, the producer’s indebtedness to the wordy winners pales in comparison to that felt by the men and women who are obliged to limit their career-defining moments to less time than it takes to thoroughly reheat a side order of mashed potatoes.

“I should be thanking Craig Zadan, not have Craig Zadan thanking me,” Osborne said. “After all, I certainly don’t want to be forever remembered as the gasbag who momentarily delayed a promotional clip for an upcoming episode of ‘Black-ish.’”

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