Australia adopts system of measurement based on length of Paul Hogan’s knives

Embed from Getty Images

CANBERRA, Australia — The Commonwealth of Australia on Wednesday announced its plan to abandon the metric system in favor of a new system of measurement based entirely on the length of actor Paul Hogan’s knives.

“We feel the time has long since come for Australia to adopt a system of measurement its people can be proud of and relate to on a more personal level,” Governor-General Sir Peter Cosgrove announced to a throng of jubilant supporters on the Government House lawn. “And who among us Aussies does not take great pride in the vast collection of sharp-edged objects owned by Australia’s most beloved son, actor and ‘Flipper’ star Paul Hogan?”

The announcement ends a tumultuous four-decade affair between the metric system and the Oceanian country that comprises the mainland of the Australian continent, the island of Tasmania and several smaller islands. The world’s sixth-largest country by total area, Australia gradually began to implement the modern form of the metric system in 1970, when its parliament passed the Metric Conversion Act, a controversial law that soon sparked riots across much of the country.

“The Metric Riots were a direct response to the government’s sickin’ bitzers on our bathers,” recalled the late Australian rugby league football legend Roy Bull in a 1998 interview with Systems of Measurement Quarterly. “Suddenly you take away my plate of barbie and expect me to crack a fat at a counter lunch? Not gonna happen without me gettin’ mad as a cut snake, mate.”

The Metric Riots eventually ceased, but the country that traces its colonial roots to the establishment of a British penal colony on New South Wales in 1788 never fully embraced the metric system, an act of disobedience on display in several notable and violent protests over the last 40-plus years. In spite of that bloody history, Australian Prime Minister Tim Abbott is hoping the new system, which combines the country’s love of razor-edged instruments with its most revered and versatile entertainer, will forever put an end to the measurement-inspired unrest.

“Your average bloke in Australia has never grinned like a shot fox telling his tailor how many centimeters he needs his trackie daks to be,” Abbott said. “But now any swagman can feel like a tall poppy when he tells a mate his daks run as long as nine of Mick Dundee’s buck knives.”

The move toward a system of measurement based entirely on Hogan’s impressive stockpile of lengthy blades began in 1998, when the infamous Melbourne Millimeter Uprising reawakened the anti-metric movement that had been largely dormant throughout much of the decade. But government leaders took note when, at the height of the millimeter-inspired bloodshed, rioters suddenly paused, returning home to watch “Floating Away,” a made-for-television movie starring Hogan, Judge Reinhold and Rosanna Arquette as a mother struggling to find her identity after losing custody of her infant child.

“We knew at that point that if anything was going to end the turmoil surrounding the metric system once and for all, it was going to be a uniform system of measurement founded upon the star of ‘Lightning Jack’ and his array of imposing cutlery,” Sir Cosgrove said. “And I’m like a possum up a gum tree that the day has finally arrived when all of us can season our snags without having to use the same measurements as those sheepshaggers on the other side of the Tasman Sea.”

But while much of Oz found reason to celebrate Wednesday’s announcement, Hogan himself was somewhat skeptical.

“Those bleeders have a few roos loose in the top paddock,” Hogan said. “But if this new system gets me a new set of strides and puts more bouncing beef in my cake hole, then I’m all for it, eh mate?”

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Australia adopts system of measurement based on length of Paul Hogan’s knives

  1. AthenaC

    I think that’s fantastic! Arbitrary systems of measurement are so much better just for the excitement, unpredictability, and the intellectual development it encourages. Not like the metric system which is so boring and unpredictable.

    Reply
  2. Hakan Guzhan

    Hi ,

    I landed on your web page while I was surfing on the internet.
    Thanks for the outstanding posts.
    I liked reading them.

    I am running the I.A.C – Inscribink Authors’ Circle. We are a developing website with 10K+ followers on Facebook.

    Would you be interested in sharing one of your articles on our website ?

    Or, would you be interested in being one of the writers on our ever developing website project?

    Thanks for considering. Let me know if you have any questions.

    Regards,

    Hawk G.
    Editor, Inscribink

    http://www.inscribink.com
    info@inscribink.com

    Reply
    1. inpoortaste01 Post author

      Hawk,

      Thanks for your interest in my blog. I have no problem with you sharing any of my blog postings, I only ask that when doing so you reblog them so readers are redirected to my blog whenever they click on the link.

      In addition, I am always interested and in pursuit of new writing opportunities and would love to hear more about inscribink.com. What is the goal of the site? Which types of articles do you predominantly feature? Is the site predominantly concerned with generating page views or providing a platform where writers can share their work? Any additional information about the site would be greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you,

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s