By Willem Dafoe
Hey good lookin’, what ya got cookin’? Oh, you don’t have anything cooking? Then what say you and Willem Dafoe go get some Chipotle burritos?
C’mon, it’ll be great. You gotta eat, right? So why not eat a Chipotle burrito alongside a two-time Oscar® nominee like Willem Dafoe? As you kick the tires on braised carnitas or barbacoa, allow star of stage and screen Willem Dafoe to regale you with tales of his jarring turn as a grieving therapist in the Danish experimental art film “Antichrist.” Let today be the day you realize nothing complements a little adobo-marinated grilled chicken better than memories of a close-up shot of Central Ohio Film Critics Association Award-winner Willem Dafoe’s powerful erection in full thrust as he and his onscreen wife immerse themselves in some passionate lovemaking, temporarily cutting them off from the world while their toddler methodically ventures out of his crib, climbs atop a chair, unlatches a window and falls to his untimely death.
Don’t want graphic images of Willem Dafoe’s penis hammering away at his fictional better half to call attention away from your enriched wheat flour tortilla filled with only the finest locally sourced produce? No worries, hombre. Plenty of other stuff to talk about as you and “Mississippi Burning” star Willem Dafoe savor Chipotle’s commitment to serving the very best sustainably raised foods.
Like Wisconsin native Willem Dafoe’s turn as Sergeant First Class Buck McGriff opposite the legendary Gregory Hines in 1988’s “Off Limits.” Just sit back and grab a fork full of Chipotle’s signature romaine lettuce and black bean salad as you and Willem Dafoe share a mouth-watering helping of freshly made chipotle-honey vinaigrette in much the same way Las Palmas Film Festival honoree Willem Dafoe once shared the silver screen with a steely-eyed Jason Patric in “Speed 2: Cruise Control.”
Or perhaps you and accomplished spoken word artist Willem Dafoe can split an order of Chips & Guac as you discuss his extensive commercial voiceover work? You haven’t fully experienced those chips, made fresh daily with a squeeze of real lime and kosher salt, until you’ve dipped them into Chipotle’s hand-mashed, perfectly ripe avocados, all the while listening intently as Willem Dafoe spins yarn after yarn about reading copy for Greek yogurt manufacturer Fage®.
But enough about yogurt, you and Willem Dafoe are here to eat burritos, after all! Which type of salsa do you plan to spread atop your generous ladle full of Chipotle’s organically grown beans? Not too long ago, “White Sands” star Willem Dafoe would have dived right into that Tomatillo-Red Chili Salsa and its seductive splash of Red Tabasco® sauce, just like he dove into the role of homosexual FBI Agent Paul Smecker in the cult classic “The Boondock Saints,” a role Willem Dafoe briefly yet memorably reprised in “The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day” nearly a decade later. But nowadays former Phoenix Film Critics Society Best Actor Willem Dafoe is firmly entrenched in his stately Staid Street manse, where “John Wick” scene stealer Willem Dafoe keeps things on the down low with the Roasted Chili-Corn Salsa and its tasty hint of fresh lemon and lime that perfectly intermingles with sweet white corn, roasted poblano peppers, sweet red onions, jalapeño, and cilantro.
So whattya say, amigo? Are you and esteemed actor Willem Dafoe going to spend your lunch hours indulging in Chipotle’s sublimely soft Cilantro-Lime Rice as you rehash his Golden Globe-nominated turn as method actor gone mad Max Schreck in “Shadow of the Vampire”? Or are you and three-time Screen Actors Guild Award contender Willem Dafoe gonna sit here with your dicks in your hands sullenly tugging your tusks like Stockholm Film Festival Lifetime Achievement Award winner Willem Dafoe once did alongside Greg Kinnear in the Bob Crane biopic “Auto Focus”? The choice is yours.