Perpetually aroused roofer Angus Pennyfeather, 41
Angus Pennyfeather, 41, of Poughkeepsie, NY, died Wednesday in LaGrange. A roofer since earning his general equivalency diploma in 1994, Pennyfeather fell to his death when he lost his balance as he was overcome with pain from an erection that coworkers report he had maintained for at least three hours. Voted “Most Likely to Fall Off a Roof Due to Priapism” in his junior high school yearbook, Pennyfeather reportedly knew it was only a matter of time before his unpleasant affliction interfered with his love of shingle-work.
Pennyfeather is predeceased by his parents, James (1998) and Millicent Pennyfeather (2011). He is survived by a brother, James, Jr., of Poughkeepsie, NY; and several stunned coworkers who never thought they would see the day when a man’s enduring erection would consign him to an early grave.
Matricidal muffin-maker Nancy Harper, 52
Nancy Harper, 52, of Eugene, Ore., died Monday in College Hill. A beloved figure in the community for nearly three decades, Harper rose to prominence on the backs of her light and fluffy muffins, which were enough to compel most within the city limits of Eugene to look past the spinster’s ever-present simmering rage, an anger so consuming the would-be muffin maestro took her mother’s life when the latter regrettably allowed a batch of banana nut muffins to remain in the oven 45 seconds longer than the recipe suggested.
Harper is predeceased by her mother, Irene Harper (1976). She is survived by a batch of unbelievably moist blueberry muffins, of College Hill; and the collective relief of a greater Eugene community that can finally exhale now that its favorite murderous muffin maker has finally answered the call of the netherworld.
Ability to comfortably defecate, 37
The last vestiges of Thomas Willoughby’s ability to painlessly defecate died Wednesday in the men’s room of a JC Penney in Newark, Del. The 37-year-old ability had deteriorated rapidly in recent years, as Willoughby increasingly characterized trips to the bathroom as “painful,” “torturous” and “acutely troubling.”
The ability is predeceased by Willoughby’s power to urinate effortlessly. The ability is survived by Willoughby’s knowledge that the rest of his life will prove a traumatic testament to the inherent cruelty of his divine creator.