The 5 most memorable moments from Super Bowl Media Day

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PHOENIX, Ariz. —Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday once again boasted a circus-like atmosphere, as players from both the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks gathered in downtown Phoenix to answer questions ranging from the relevant (“Will Deflategate impact your team’s preparation?”) to the bizarre (“Has Vince Wilfork ever had sex with my wife?”). The following are the 5 most memorable moments from Super Bowl Media Day 2015.

1. Russell Wilson admits he’s never even touched a child with cancer — Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, widely considered one of the league’s “good guys” for his much-publicized weekly visits to Seattle Children’s Hospital, admitted he has never actually touched any cancer-stricken children out of fear that their misfortune might rub off and adversely affect his own incredibly charmed life.

2. Patriots coaches and players reflect on their most unsettling encounters with former teammate Aaron Hernandez — While much of Media Day is lighthearted, things took a turn for the grave when many Patriots coaches and players were asked to reflect on their most chilling encounters with former teammate turned accused triple-murderer Aaron Hernandez. Visibly shaken wide receiver Julian Edelman largely refused to comment, only insisting through a flood of tears that he would never say anything bad about Hernandez no matter how many murders the former Florida standout committed. Pats coach Bill Belichick was more forthcoming, noting that everyone deserves a fourth chance, especially when they are physically gifted hybrid pass catchers acquitted of multiple homicides years before their thirtieth birthday.

3. Marshawn Lynch eloquently critiques Creationism — Marshawn Lynch, the normally tight-lipped if not standoffish star running back for the defending champion Seahawks, turned heads at Media Day when he gave an eloquent and, at times, emotional critique of Creationism, a widely held yet controversial belief that the universe and life originate from specific acts of divine creation. Lynch spent much of his three-hour-long analysis supporting the compendium of responses to Creationism presented in “Why Intelligent Design Fails: A Scientific Critique of the New Creationism,” a 2006 book by author and physicist Matt Young which Lynch admits to having read “several times.”

4. Japanese correspondent innocently confuses “fútbol” with “football” — Scribes and sportsmen alike enjoyed a hearty chortle when Japanese media correspondent Hiroki Tanaka innocently confused “fútbol,” commonly referred to as “soccer” here in the United States, with “American football,” a sport played by two teams of eleven players on a rectangular field with goalposts at each end. Tanaka, apparently unaware that the Super Bowl was the championship game of American football and not an especially hyped contest between two American soccer teams, quickly realized his mistake and immediately retired to his hotel room, where his overwhelming shame led him to engage in hara-kiri, a form of ritual suicide by disembowelment once embraced by disgraced members of the Japanese warrior class.

5. Everyone enjoys a good laugh upon reflecting that both Bill Belichick and Pete Carroll once coached the Jets — Media Day ended on a high note, as fans, players, coaches, and assembled media all gathered on the north end of the floor inside the US Airways Center to laugh at the fact that both Patriots coach Bill Belichick and his Seattle counterpart Pete Carroll, two of the National Football League’s most respected coaches who have four Super Bowl championships between them, once coached the New York Jets, a moribund franchise that has not won or even advanced to a Super Bowl since the Nixon Administration.

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