National Weather Services warns northeasterners oncoming storm is “incredibly horny”

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NEW YORK — National Weather Service spokesperson Lou Pinderson on Monday warned northeasterners that the coming storm, which is expected to impact states as south as New Jersey and as far north as Maine, is not only ferocious but also “incredibly horny and looking to satiate its sexual appetites in any way possible.”

“This storm is unlike any in history in that it’s not only projected to dump heavy snowfall across several states, but do so while sporting a roaring erection the likes of which we’ve never before seen,” Pinderson said. “It is imperative that northeasterners stay inside and keep their children away from any windows so they won’t be exposed to this storm’s impressive, throbbing manhood.”

As northeasterners spent much of Sunday scrambling to stock up on supplies in advance of a storm that the NWS estimates will produce an accumulation of two to three inches of snow per hour beginning Monday evening, meteorologists noticed the storm was in a prolonged state of arousal that appeared to reach a fever pitch when the storm first touched down along the Atlantic coastline early this morning.

“We’ve known since roughly the middle of last week that this storm had the potential to be devastating,” said NWS meteorologist Lena Winslow. “But we didn’t know until yesterday that this storm was very well-endowed and in the midst of a state of titillation that would make even the most seasoned adult film star blush.”

In spite of the storm’s impressive physical gifts, many residents of notoriously resilient New York City, where as much as two feet of snow could fall before sundown Tuesday, are unafraid of what the storm may bring.

“I remember the blizzard of ’96,” recalled Staten Island sanitation worker Lou Pepper. “Now that was a storm’s storm. I walked with a limp for a few weeks after that one. It was painful, but that good kinda pain, y’know what I mean? Those are some big shoes to fill. Big shoes.”

If Pepper is skeptical of the city’s first major snowstorm of 2015, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio is on the opposite end of the spectrum, warning New Yorkers that a heat-seeking hammer is coming, and that no amount of caution might be enough to avoid the pulsating power of its titanic tusk.

“This storm is going to push us and it’s going to push us real good,” said New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. “I advise all New Yorkers who find themselves in the throes of this storm’s considerable virility to indulge its passion and endure its forceful jackhammering as best you can. The storm appears intent on ravaging nearly half of the Atlantic coast, so just close your eyes and it will be on its way before you know it.”

Winslow echoes those sentiments, noting the storm’s intent is to blanket the northeast with snow while simultaneously satisfying its hunger for honeypot.

“This storm’s not coming in to wine and dine you before holding your hand and leading you upstairs to make slow, passionate love,” warned Winslow. “It’s coming to dump a considerable amount of snow on your community and fulfill its overwhelming urge to bludgeon some beaver.”

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