Inspirational author admits he only dreamt of going to North Jersey while in coma

BELLEFONTAINE, Ohio — Alex Malarkey, the youngster who admitted last week that his inspirational 2010 bestseller “The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” was based on a lie, on Tuesday shared further details of his trip, reiterating that he never visited the hallowed abode of God before adding that he actually only made it as far as northern New Jersey in the days he lay comatose after a car crash that left him paralyzed.

“I’d like to once again apologize for perpetrating this lie about visiting the after life,” Malarkey, now a teenager, told a throng of reporters outside his home. “I knew even when I began writing this book that I never made it to Nirvana, unless your idea of Nirvana is a polluted armpit connected to Staten Island by a rusty bridge. To have suggested otherwise is a sin, and I beg your forgiveness.”

In the book, which was coauthored by Alex’s father, Kevin, Malarkey describes his out-of-body experience and subsequent ascension to heaven as beginning within moments of he and his father getting into an automobile accident. Alex Malarkey describes seeing his father fly out of the window of the family car, only to be caught by an angel who carries him to safety. After a helicopter took his body to a nearby hospital, Alex wrote that he was then taken from the emergency room by an angel, who ultimately escorted him through the gates of heaven, where the boy said he met both Jesus Christ, who Christians believe to be the Son of God, and Satan, who many across the globe believe to be former United States Vice President Dick Cheney.

That moving story, which the young Malarkey said he shared with his parents upon coming out of his coma, was the crux of the book that would go on to sell in excess of one million copies. But less than five years after the book’s initial publication, Alex Malarkey is telling a vastly different story, one that last week led his publisher, Tyndale House, to remove the bestseller from print.

“I never saw my dad carried away from the scene on angel’s wings,” said Malarkey. “What I really saw when I first opened my eyes after the crash was an officer from the Bayonne, New Jersey Department of Transportation’s Parking Regulations division walking over toward our car to issue my father a citation for leaving his car in a no-parking zone.

“If you think about it, it’s still pretty incredible that I ended up in a city in North Jersey, a place I’ve still never visited in the conscious world, instead of on the roadside here in Bellefontaine where our car crashed. But I can see how people are disappointed that not only did I lie about making it to heaven, but that I really only made it to a place as unappealing and as overcome with odor as Hudson County, New Jersey.”

Though he appears genuinely remorseful for knowingly deceiving both his loved ones and the millions who purchased his book and prayed for his recovery, Malarkey’s very public repentance is still not enough to appease many of his once-ardent supporters.

“If I can’t believe a 10-year-old boy who tells me a story about winged and saintly spiritual beings escorting him to a magical place where all deceased Gentiles and non-Muslims are reunited with their long since departed loved ones, then who can I believe,” pleaded reality television star and perpetual fetus incubator Michelle Duggar.

In response to such anguish, Malarkey can only offer his best guess as to what first motivated him to perpetrate the lie and then allow it to go as far as it did.

“I really did visit Bayonne, New Jersey when I was in that coma,” Malarkey said while fighting back tears. “And I’d love to tell you I let this lie spread and fester because North Jersey was such a beautiful and inspirational place to experience the after life, and that I really wanted to share that with everyone. But that would be a lie. In the end, I guess I just did it for the pussy.”

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