OSHKOSH, Wisc. — The United States of America, owner of the highest gross domestic product of any nation in the world, has quietly confided to close friends in recent weeks that it deeply regrets carrying on a brief yet torrid affair with Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst more than a decade ago, a source close to the world power indicated on Monday.
“Even now, years after this fling ended, America is still in a bad place about it,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity after citing the delicate psyche of the world’s third-largest nation by population. “But it’s important that we all recognize acceptance is part of the healing process. Part of growing up and growing as a person, or in this case a nation of nearly 320 million people, is admitting your mistakes and learning from them so you never again hang your head in justifiable shame for allowing someone as untalented and insufferable as Fred Durst to become a household name.”
The affair reportedly began when Limp Bizkit earned a slot on the 1998 Ozzfest tour organized by former Black Sabbath lead singer Ozzy Osbourne and his wife, Sharon. The United States of America, which boasts the world’s largest national economy thanks in large part to an abundance of natural resources and high worker productivity, has admitted in past interviews to drinking heavily during this time, and even alluded to Durst’s band in a controversial and rambling interview with The New York Times Magazine in 2005.
“The 20th century was definitely our century, and the party was pretty much nonstop as the 1990s drew to a close and the 21st century just got closer and closer,” admitted the United States, which declared its independence from Great Britain on July 4, 1776. “But no matter how drunk we were, and we were really, really drunk, that’s still no excuse for buying millions of copies of ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.’ That’s just inexcusable and, admittedly, one of the darkest chapters in our history.”
But sources indicate the affair continued even after the release of “Chocolate Starfish,” which would eventually be certified six times multi-platinum, offending even those listeners with only the slightest modicum of musical taste while simultaneously forcing once-staunch supporters of capitalism to reconsider their worldviews. It would be two more years before the tryst ended once and for all, as the country that traces its origins to several colonies settled along the Atlantic seaboard in the 1600s was ultimately shaken from its doldrums by close friends and confidantes able to convince the world power its citizens had had enough of Durst, his ever-present backwards ballcap and his band’s nauseating blend of sophomoric raps and amateurish pop metal guitar riffs.
“Say what you will about Canada, but the big guy up north was instrumental in finally convincing the United States to end this shameful dalliance with Durst,” notes conservative commentator and columnist George F. Will. “In a single weekend Canada simply convinced the United States that it had no business fawning over a man who writes and sings songs with titles like ‘Nookie’ and ‘9 Teen 90 Nine.’ Unicameral provincial legislatures or not, Canada really came through for us on this one.”
Though the country’s affair with Durst has now been over for more than a decade, friends of the nation that accounts for nearly 40 percent of global military spending admit it’s still very much ashamed of its lamentable liaison with the 44-year-old Floridian.
“To this day the U.S. can’t see a man in a backwards red ballcap without getting sick to its stomach,” said former United States Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Some wounds just take more time to heal than others.”