MRI reveals Derrick Rose made of glass, dust and curtains

Derrick Rose 2CC BY-SA 2.0 Keith Allison from Owings Mills, USA

Derrick Rose 2CC BY-SA 2.0 Keith Allison from Owings Mills, USA

CHICAGO — An MRI on oft-injured Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose’s ankle on Saturday surprisingly revealed the former first overall pick is made entirely of glass, dust and lace curtains.

The MRI, ordered after Rose appeared to suffer a significant ankle injury during the first half of his team’s 114-108 overtime loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers on Friday night, failed to detect the presence of any soft tissue, instead revealing the 26-year-old former MVP’s fragile frame is a patchwork of annealed glass, dry powder and floral patterned polyester lace window treatments.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Bulls team physician Dr. Brian Cole. “As far as I know Derrick is the first person in history whose body is supported by a handful of especially fragile components instead of the more traditional skeletal support structure common among human beings and thousands of other living organisms. It’s really rather remarkable.”

Remarkable yet apparently none too surprising to Bulls fans, many of whom have watched with growing despair as the easily breakable ball handler’s once-promising career has suffered multiple setbacks since his memorable MVP season in 2010-11.

“I could have told you that guy was made of glass without no fancy machine to back me up,” said sausage vendor and longtime Bulls fan Vic Blonski. “I have light bulbs more durable than Derrick Rose.”

But if the revelation of Rose as a largely crystalline creature who’s two parts dust and one part drapery hardly registers with Bulls fans who have seen the face of their franchise sit out 195 games over the previous three seasons, the medical community has responded with no such apathy.

“My phone has been ringing off the hook since we announced the findings of Derrick’s MRI,” notes Dr. Cole. “And those calls have come from both my colleagues, who are calling mainly out of professional curiosity, as well as several hundred New York Knicks fans wanting to know, in light of these findings, if it’s possible that Eddy Curry and Jerome James are made of fudge, cake filling and/or spray cheese.”

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