Goodell mulling suspension of Mark Davis’ haircut

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NEW YORK — Sources indicated on Tuesday that National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell is mulling a possible suspension of Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis’ haircut, citing concerns that the perfectly cropped bowl cut might further tarnish the league’s increasingly negative image.

Goodell, under fire for much of the season for his questionable handling of several off-the-field incidents involving various NFL players, reportedly bristled at the sight of Davis’ haircut on Sunday, when the 55-year-old son of former U.S. Senator Charles Ellsworth Goodell was in Oakland for the Raiders’ matchup with the San Diego Chargers.

“The commissioner is definitely exploring a possible suspension,” noted a source close to Goodell who asked not to be identified. “He just doesn’t think that bowl cut has a place in the NFL, and finds it hard to fathom that a grown man would leave his home while sporting a Prince Valiant haircut. He wants to suspend that mane for the rest of the season so it has time to refashion itself in a style Goodell feels is more befitting an NFL owner.”

If Goodell indeed suspends Davis’ questionable coiffure, such an action would be in keeping with the former NFL intern’s track record of levying significant suspensions for relatively minor offenses while exercising leniency with regard to more serious infractions, such as domestic violence and sexual assault. That track record is at the center of a growing sentiment among league fans, sponsors and even some owners that Goodell should relinquish his role as overseer of the country’s most popular professional sports league.

“If he really wants to cement his legacy of inconsistent and questionable leadership, then suspending Mark Davis’ haircut for the remainder of the 2014 season would be a step in that direction,” noted longtime Los Angeles Times columnist Bill Plaschke. “But other than Goodell himself, I’m not sure you will find anyone, whether they’re football fans or just proponents of age-appropriate hairstyles, who think it’s right to suspend a hairdo for five times as many games as you suspend a guy who beats up his wife in a casino elevator.”

Though the fairness of a potential suspension of Davis’ haircut, which is styled in a way most often reserved for the sons of the impoverished and not the owners of professional sports franchises valued at hundreds of millions of dollars, remains open for debate, NFL insiders note that Goodell has already garnered the support of many of Davis’ fellow owners, an exclusive collection of incredibly wealthy, untrustworthy and self-serving Caucasian men willing to exploit a particular ethnicity and/or cover up the unspeakable crimes of their employees in the shameful pursuit of further riches.

“Many owners have called to weigh in and offer their unconditional support of a suspension of Mark Davis’ haircut,” said one longtime employee of the league. “And I find it kind of refreshing to know that the league is just as likely to discriminate against a bad haircut as it is to further degrade Native Americans or ignore its culture of violence against women.”


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