Sock specialist Carl Lankford, Jr., 62
Carl Lankford, Jr., 62, of Canton, OH, died Wednesday in his home. The self-appointed “Tube Sock King Of Canton,” Lankford was a lifelong “Hall of Fame City” resident who developed a love of lengthy socks shortly after witnessing his mother, Rhea, engaging in clandestine sexual intercourse with the Lankford family landscaper when the younger Lankford was just a toddler. According to his self-published autobiography, “Life Socks: The Carl Lankford, Jr. Story,” the landscaper was wearing only tube socks during the lively lovemaking session.
Lankford, Jr., is predeceased by his father, Carl Lankford, Sr. (2003). He is survived by his mother, Rhea Lankford, of Canton; a brother, Craig Lankford, of Middletown, NJ; and numerous Canton-area prostitutes who routinely indulged his oft-harrowing obsession for sexual role play involving multi-colored cotton tube socks.
Perpetually parched pilgrim David Dingler, 52
David Dingler, 52, of Lynn, Mass., died Monday beneath a bench inside the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York, NY. A graduate of Pickering Middle School, where the troubled tippler first developed a taste for alcohol, Dingler followed his soft spot for spirits across much of the northeastern United States, spending countless nights in county jails throughout the region during the course of his tumultuous yet never wavering 40-year engagement with ethanol.
“Dave probably never knew this, but he really inspired my love of travel,” admitted Stamford, Conn., jailer William Hostetler, who hosted Dingler on roughly three-dozen occasions since taking his post in 2006. “He wandered the northeast not unlike Lewis and Clark wandered the lands west of the Mississippi River. Only Lewis and Clark were looking to map a fledgling country’s newly acquired territory, whereas Dave was really only looking for a liter of Carnaby’s Gin.”
Dingler is predeceased by his parents, Irene (1991) and Raymond Dingler (1992). He is survived by half a pint of Old Crow Bourbon Whiskey and two pair of heavily soiled BVD men’s undergarments.
Hope of finding an attractive mate, 41
Russell Appleton’s hope of finding an attractive female counterpart died Sunday in Ackley, Wisc. Appleton’s aspirations of landing a life partner or spouse who friends might covet had faded over the last half-decade, as the 41-year-old baker’s apprentice slowly but surely came to the realization he would never convince a woman whose physical appearance did not make him cringe to accept his hand in marriage.
Appleton’s hope is predeceased by his enjoyment of sexual intercourse. The hope is survived by Alice Appleton, the baker’s wife of 17 years.