LAS VEGAS — In advance of his expected September promotion to the Major Leagues, Las Vegas 51s pitcher Noah Syndergaard, ranked by Baseball America as the New York Mets’ top pitching prospect, is being touted for having “great stuff,” as talent evaluators cite his impressive 12-to-6 curveball and extensive library of vintage pornography as signs that he is ready to compete at professional baseball’s highest level.
“That curveball of his is nearly unhittable,” noted former Major Leaguer and current Philadelphia Phillies scout Dave Hollins. “But that’s only the half of it. To see a kid his age compile such a vast collection of timeless pornography tells me a lot about his makeup. This guy is mature beyond his years.”
A native of Mansfield, Texas, Syndergaard earned the nickname “Thor” shortly after beginning his professional baseball career in 2010. The moniker is a testament to the 6-foot-6 righthander’s renowned physical strength, which the former first-round draft pick of the Toronto Blue Jays says he owes to years of carrying several hundred pounds’ worth of classic pornographic magazines, videos, toys, and playing cards throughout his various stops in the minor leagues.
“Honestly, I wasn’t especially strong in high school,” admits Syndergaard, who credits his passion for epochal erotica to a handful of high school teachers he says opened his eyes to period-specific skin flicks during after-hours tutoring sessions at Mansfield High School. “In fact, I was kind of a weakling. But as I fed my insatiable lust for perverted performance art, one bin quickly became two and two became three and so on. And there aren’t any clubhouse guys to carry all that stuff down here in the minors, so I’ve been lugging it around myself now for half a decade. Needless to say, lugging crates upon crates of often cringe-worthy pornography around the backroads of the United States will add some muscle mass to your frame.”
That muscle figures to serve Syndergaard well on his next stop, which many baseball insiders suspect will be Citi Field in Flushing, Queens, which just so happens to be home to the heralded prospect’s parent club.
“I try not to think about getting that phone call,” Syndergaard said in reference to his highly anticipated call-up to the Mets. “I can’t take the stress of that with me to the mound here in Vegas. But admittedly, the erotica enthusiast in me is really excited at the idea of visiting all of those underground East Village sex shops to satisfy my insatiable craving for kink. I’ve heard so much about them that I’m almost bursting at the thought of soon having such readily available access to a world many would be too frightened, sheepish or well-adjusted to acknowledge much less explore.”
If the fireballer with the 95-mile-per-hour fastball is hesitant to consider his ascension to the Mets’ rotation as a mere formality, veteran scouts have no such qualms, noting that Syndergaard’s arsenal of pitches is nearly as extensive as his enviable collection of fetish films.
“The kid’s ready, no doubt about it,” said longtime San Diego Padres scout and veteran sex tourist Fran Duggans. “The kid’s four-seamer is as good as any I’ve ever seen, and his collection of early 1990s anime porn rivals that of even the creepiest Japanese collector. Frankly, I’m amazed he can build a collection like that and still have time to take the ball every fifth day. Wish I had that ability to multi-task.”
Such praise does not even register with Syndergaard, who insists he’s just one of the guys, even though very few of the 21-year-old’s contemporaries can throw a ball with such velocity or amass such an upsetting array of adult-themed entertainment.
“Ask anyone in that clubhouse and they’ll tell you I’m just like everybody else in there,” Syndergaard says. “I just happen to be a top prospect who just happens to be one of the world’s foremost authorities on late-1960s snuff films.”