Damnit, I Don’t Like the Looks Of Any Of This!

By Elderly Man

Whoa, whoa, whooooaaaaa! What is going on here? That’s not how we do things ‘round here, pally! No, no, no, no, no … I don’t like the looks of any of this!

This is not what I’m used to seeing! In fact, it’s marginally different than what I’ve grown accustomed to! Sons of cream and peaches I don’t like how this is shakin’ out!

My great granddaddy once told me, “Son, if it looks like a pig frog and grunts like a pig frog, then you can bet your best leathers it’s a pig frog!” Well even my worst leathers can rest easy, because while this certainly looks like a pig frog, its grunt is only largely similar yet still slightly apart from that of a pig frog!

All of this is so moderately unlike the things I’m vaguely familiar with! And damnit if it’s not unreasonable to think I would support such refashioning, however inappreciable it may be!

I have to wonder if this is some type of joke. If indeed this trivial transformation has been made in jest, I don’t find it funny!

Did you think you could just casually buy the status quo a one-way rail ticket out of town without raising so much as an eyebrow on yours truly? Because if you thought such duplicity could pass this old geezer’s smell test unnoticed, you thought wrong, young fella. Yes, you did! This is too minutely dissimilar to established convention for me to just accept it as par for the course. And however insignificant this variance may be, I just don’t like the looks of any of this!

Who are you to make such a negligible amendment to established conventions? I won’t beat around my Aunt Beatrice’s bushes, especially not with a young whipsnap such as yourself: I don’t like the looks of any of this!

Routine keeps a man on his straights and narrows! But here you come to reshuffle my deck with your modest modifications to the customary criterion I’ve long since blindly accepted! Well, mister, I don’t think I need to tell you that I’m not on board with the way this is shaping up!

Used to be a man knew where he stood because he was situated atop principles no young buck would be foolish enough to question much less alter in a way so as to produce nary a blip on the proverbial radar. But what I see before me is a minimally contrasting likeness of those principles, and even a half-pint like you can probably tell that’s stirrin’ my pot for all the wrong reasons!

But I suppose these are the times we live in. Times when well enough can’t get a moment to himself and alterations of no account rule the day. And I just think you should know that really sticks in my craw!

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