Obese couple’s mattress contemplating suicide

HAYS, Kan. — Sources indicated on Monday that the mattress used by obese couple Peggy and Doug Maddox is contemplating suicide.

The mattress, a queen-size Simmons™ BeautySleep™ Kenosha Plus, has served as the portly pair’s primary resting place since early 2013. Despite such a brief affiliation with the couple, who combine to weigh more than 600 lbs., the mattress has reportedly spent the last several months examining the possibility of intentionally causing its own death.

“That poor bed has just been driven to despair,” said an anonymous source close to the mattress. “I don’t know too many lifeless objects that could withstand the pain and pressure of supporting those two for 8 to 10 hours every night. Frankly, I’m surprised that mattress hasn’t taken matters into its own hands already. I mean, they certainly aren’t getting any smaller, so what is it waiting for?”

The suicidal thoughts have apparently gone unnoticed by Doug Maddox, who just last week was overheard telling a friend how much better he and his wife sleep since purchasing the mattress at an Ashley Furniture store just down the block from the couple’s one-bedroom apartment.

“Peg’s apnea is much more manageable since we broke the bank for that bed,” said Maddox, a 39-year-old part-time convenience store clerk with adult onset diabetes. “I’m even gettin’ a few more winks in each night.”

Maddox’s inability to recognize his mattress’ suicidal tendencies could ultimately prove a grave oversight, as friends of the mattress have begun to pick up on warning signs that the fabric casing described by its manufacturer as “soft enough to contour to the curves of your body, yet firm enough underneath to feel quite supportive” is entertaining thoughts of ending its own life. Such thoughts have alarmed the mattress’ closest confidantes, many of whom feel helpless to intervene because they are inanimate objects that lack the vigor and vitality necessary to take even the simplest of actions much less prevent a deeply depressed and despondent layer of cushioning from intentionally harming itself.

“The warning signs are as plain as day, so I don’t know how Doug and Peggy are missing them,” noted a full-size Serta™ Perfect Sleeper® Danescroft Firm Mattress, one of the Simmons™ BeautySleep™ Kenosha Plus’ most trusted friends. “(The mattress) audibly groans any time one or both of them climbs into bed, and then incessantly weeps throughout their bimonthly mating sessions. But those obvious cries for help just keep going unheard. If there were something I could do, I would do it. But I’m actually just an insentient object.”

In spite of numerous warning signs that something could be amiss with the mattress, the Maddoxes presently have no plans to replace the bed or embrace surgery, diet and/or exercise in an attempt to lose weight, which could help make the cursed cradle’s existence significantly less grim.

“The warranty on that beauty is 20 years, but I had my last mattress for almost 30 and she weren’t half the cot this guy is,” said Doug Maddox. “I might just keep this bed forever.”

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