United States of America, Ziering attempting to reconcile

The United States of America, a federal republic made up of 50 states and one federal district, and actor Ian Ziering are attempting to reconcile after a separation that has lasted more than a decade. Despite the lengthy time apart, sources indicate that both the United States, which at 3.79 million square miles is the fourth largest country by total area in the world, and Ziering privately admit they still harbor many of the same intense feelings that sparked their relationship, as well as numerous tabloid headlines, in 1990.

“What the United States appears finally willing to admit is something that television viewers admitted a long time ago: you don’t really ever fall out of love with Ian Ziering,” said Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts. “And while I might just be a ‘regular Joe’ from Indiana who serves as the head of the United States federal court system, I think I speak for all Americans when I say I’m delighted that this romance is being rekindled.”

Despite appearances on such television shows as “Guiding Light” and “Married … With Children” in the 1980s, Ziering did not catch the eye of the country with the world’s largest economy until 1990, when he was cast on producer Aaron Spelling’s teen drama “Beverly Hills, 90210,” a show that would introduce many Americans to actors such as Joe E. Tata and James Eckhouse. But it was Ziering, in the role of ‘Steve Sanders,’ an affluent and brash yet ultimately likable high school student from Beverly Hills, who would capture the heart of the country that claimed the world’s sixth highest per capita gross domestic product in 2010.

Though critical reviews upon the show’s October 1990 premiere were tepid, few critics denied that in Ziering a star had been born, and it was those reviews that set the heart of the country that accounts for 39 percent of global military spending aflutter.

“Oh, I couldn’t forget the dawn of that love affair if I tried,” said the German Democratic Republic, which officially reunited with the Federal Republic of Germany on October 3, 1990, just a day before the pilot episode of “Beverly Hills, 90210” was broadcast. “I had just joined with the FRG to form the reunited nation of Germany, but all United States could talk about in the days after that momentous and world-changing event was this flaxen-haired young actor who was portraying a high school student but was really in his mid-20s so legally there was nothing to worry about. Love conquers all, I suppose. And I guess love even trumps the long awaited withdrawal of the last Allied Forces from Germany.”

If the nation with roughly 16 percent of its population living in poverty was head over heels in love, those close to Ziering insist the New Jersey-born son of an educator and saxophonist was deep in the throes of romance as well.

“I can’t remember the moment the flirting started, but I certainly recall seeing a transformation of Ian from this towheaded and carefree kid to a more mature young man seriously considering a relationship with a nation that was home to more than 300 million people,” recalls Eckhouse. “I even remember him telling me, ‘I even like Iowa, Jimmy.’ And that’s when I knew the kid was in love.”

Though the relationship would thrive throughout much of the 1990s, things began to sour in the latter years of that decade, officially hitting the rocks with the couple’s joint announcement of a trial separation in 2000, when “Beverly Hills, 90210” aired its final episode and the United States of America found itself embroiled in a contentious presidential election, the outcome of which would ultimately be debated before the Supreme Court.

While Ziering and the country that had its independence officially recognized by the Kingdom of Great Britain in 1783 would go their separate ways for much of the next decade, longtime observers of the relationship admit both sides never truly moved on from one another, with each holding out hope of reigniting a relationship that once set international gossip mills ablaze. And though each side has only tacitly acknowledged contact in recent months, those hopes appear to have been more than fantasy.

“I probably shouldn’t say anything, but reports about Ian and the United States house hunting in Calabasas aren’t necessarily conjecture,” said Ziering’s former “90120” co-star Jason Priestley. “And I think that’s great, not only as a friend of Ian’s but as someone who’s also looking to reconnect with an old flame. It wasn’t too long ago that Idaho and ol’ Father Sideburn here had a rather torrid romance, and if Ian and the United States have taught me anything, it’s that old flames don’t always burn out.”

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